spanglesplat's Diaryland Diary

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you left a stain on all of my good days.

so this is all i get after trying so hard to choose love? i was doing quiet time the other day.

love is patient, love is kind. it does not envy, it does not boast. it is not proud, it is not rude. it is not self seeking, it is not easily angered. it keeps no record of wrongs. love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. it always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. love never fails.

it isn't easy at all. i envy, i'm proud, i'm easily angered, i keep record of wrongs, i'm self seeking. i guess i have a long way to go.

you know the feeling of how you just keep trying, but you just keep getting let down, or keep failing?

the burning desire to just knock some sense into some people, yet the wanting to carry out self restraint, to be an understanding a compassionate friend. but aren't true friends supposed to be honest with each other?

maybe i should just give it some time. sometimes people need to make mistakes and need to be broken down to be built up again. its the same principle as love the sinner, hate the sin. maybe its cos i love too much, thats why i end up getting battered and bruised. in all situations, in all relationships. is it wrong to give till it hurts? or isnt that the way its supposed to be?

is it possible not to be selfish? is it possible to be the embodiment of selflessness and charity? how hard it must be.

i wish God would stop testing me :( because i'm scared this isn't going to go back to what it used to be.

;

talked to nat today (:
thankyoupal.
i guess i havent had a heart to heart talk to any of my good friends in a really long while. its all about making time.

maybe true friendship is all about being the person you never thought you could be. i dont know if i'm up to it.

21:35 - 09.03.06

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please remember.

our hearts, our hopes, our aims, are one.

and tonight officially ended orientation 2006. both o1 and o2. the last time we'd ever get a taste of orientation. it felt really good to join in the finale, join the ogls, though not all of us from o1 were there. but it was enough. to hear the screaming and cheering, the voices rise above us filling the hall, the excitement and enthusiasm that never seemed to drain, the chorusing of our juniors, arms across each other, shoulder to shoulder, cheering as one school. i guess it brought everything back again, and made me feel once again proud to be an acsian, to stand by these fellow acsians and cheer our hearts out for the school. it was my honour.

the reunion. the old jokes. the familiar faces, be it ogls or j1s. and last but not least, the dancing. who can forget the dancing. it didnt matter that we couldnt dance, it mattered that we had fun. and OH SO MUCH FUN WE HAD. hahahaha (: im so glad i have siyou to go crazy with! cos she goes crazier than me! haha then we got joined in by bev ting nalli wendaye.. and finally the thng. HAHAHAHA. it was hilarious. we were just screaming and shouting at each other the lyrics of the song over the music, doing random FREESTYLING, haha and seriously just letting loose. de stressing, exhaling everything out. the worries of term exams and homework and studying were literally expelled from my mind! haha so fun so fun. we were truly being wild boys and wild girls once again. i miss it all.

and so its come to an end, but its been something to keep with me, something that i'll take away from this school at the end of these 2 years. orientation 06 will always have a special place in my heart (:

"We never say we achieve the best.
We say, with God's grace -
The Best Is Yet To Be."

21:32 - 08.03.06

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o2 has started. roamed about throughout the day, watching the new j1s play games, icebreakers, watching my new dingding <3 walking around, watching, belonging yet not belonging. sat through the introductory video and skit, once again belonging yet not belonging, thinking about the good times. the good times. and how i missed the cheering. the passion. the surge. the infectious school spirit.

good times.

;

the fruit of the spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self control :D

20:38 - 07.03.06

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without you.

so we talk about choice. and how once you make a choice, you grit your teeth and stick to it, because this time you're using your head instead of your heart. you cannot, and will not let your heart rule your head anymore because it just leads to more heartache and more longing and more pining.. and so on. and i made a choice, didn't i?

so thats what i did today. i remained as passive and uninterested as i possibly could, while she went on trying to talk to you. i didn't like the way it happened but i didn't say anything. i couldn't, i had no right to. passive, uninterested. how one deceives.

making a choice with your head doesn't mean that it changes the burning of your heart. that i understand full well. it makes life all the more that difficult and hard to figure out, because of these two seperate entities. because you know that you cant ignore when your heart is screaming out, and you know you cant let it scream out, because you know thats just not how things can be.

so life goes on for everyone, life goes on for me, i meet new people and establish closer relationships, each one possible to turn into something more, or so i think. but somehow today upon reflection i wondered if any other relationship will ever be, because of how deep deep inside i know my heart will always rule my head.

and you are hanging by a thread, attached to my heart strings.

21:21 - 06.03.06

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nobody knows the way its gona be.

just came back from rage against the serene. SO TIRED. haha. but i must say it was a good experience. almost like a rock concert, except the mosh pit was elevated and it made it hard to see the bands. mr woolhead's band was super smooth! he played with his family, son and daughter i think. his daughter is a violin prodigy and his son is sexy cos he can sing so well and he has a goatee. hahaha. joseph and sister also! hot stuff. AND I VIDEOED! HE SANG WONDERWALL! :D andrelax was wonderful as usual, everqueer was reallygood! i love FEVER! vik did a really good job. n then leon's band was uber coolness cos they had a rocking singer! haha with a sexy voice and long hair. and leon is the alphamale ah. i think he might replace john loh soon! :O haha. OH and tim's band! ANDREW CHIN! HAPPY BIRTHDAY ANDREW CHIN! haha we were just shouting and screming our heads off. but their band was super! the drummer is damn good and damn handsome! :O and he got accepted into ac arts! i say. another alphamale. john loh has got competition.

i really apologize if i dont make sense or sound extremely incoherent and not myself because i am overcome with everything plus fatigue. really tired now. swamped. loud music + brightlights + heat + screaming + nat + hazri + deodorant spray + jumping people + meixi + singing along + shouting along + everything inbetween + laughing like crazy at everything = TIREDNESS AT THE END OF THE DAY. haha. too much energy used.

(: it was a good event though, good idea but could've been improved. hm.

;

over the past week ive sorta been inspired to actually start working hard. but its begininng to become worrysome because i dont know where to start and WHEN to start. this weekend is already swamped with homework - i dont have time to do any extra studying! and terms is just round the corner. ohno i really really wana study. i must i must :( i think im sorta worried i cant meet my OWN expectations, let alone other people's. or maybe its cos i somehow know ive been slacking off and not using my brain to its fullest. hurhur. whats left of it, at least. or maybe its cos im scared that everyone around me is going to overtake me and im gona be left behind. whatever it is, its freaking me out.

23:33 - 04.03.06

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thank you for loving me.

so my birthday came and went. i guess i got used to the idonthaveabirthdayDAY thing, so it was the same issue of which day to celebrate it. well im glad to say that i spent 2 days celebrating my birthday, and i spent these 2 days with the important people in my life, and that made it the best birthday i could have had (:

;

went out with tracy jialing weiru and jt on tuesday night. its really amazing how we still keep in touch after like a year plus! haha my very original OG, my first friends in ac. haha tracys quite bad at surprises lar, jialing was supposed to be a surprise cos she came all the way down from tj to have dinner with us! wah i was quite touched though :D we had xiaolongbao! and then they got me a mini cake a balloon sunflower and present! haha and then i was like wow cos jt went all the way to esplanade after school to get the present! fainted. wah i was really quite touched. haha. thanks thanks thanks guys so much for everything (: it was a simple dinner affair but it was such good catchup, since we hardly talk in school! and it brought me back all the way to orientation 05 days, brought back the memories (:

;

wednesday was founders day! haha i was seated among the j4s cos i had to go receive prize for my brother. -_- so i thought it was gona be so miserable. but in the end i really enjoyed it! the messages and speeches all sorta made alot of sense to me, and at certain points of time i was really quite inspired by what was being said. yay. after which we crashed the viewing gallery where all the HAPPENING prizewinners were.

scones being retarded. haha. LOOK AT THE NUMBER OF SCONES WHO RECEIVED AWARDS. theres still daniel and peter whos sorta blocked. goodness! life is unfair.

;

yay then daniel and i went on our birthday adventure hunt! haha (: planned by tash and miche i thinks, thanks so much womans! :D they made daniel and i wear stupid props and do retarded things while walking down hollandv. i believe we should never appear there again. haha oh and we even got a picture with brandon seah! the GENIUS j4! hurhur :D

;

then we arrived at school greeted by all our friends and then we had cake and sang song and ate pizza. (: it was a happy time. ahscones & friends :D haha.

and thats us through the day. LOOKING ABSOLUTELY RETARDED! things like this always happen to me. haha. but it was fun, and i was really happy that so many people actually remembered and turned up at the void deck evne though there was chinese results to worry about and all. yayness! (:

;

then we went to watch the a level results ceremony. i dont really wana elaborate about it, but im glad we went to watch it. we're all freaked out of our skin now because we want to be on stage, same time next year. but. its. scary. and. HEARTATTACKISH. ohmy. okay. moving on.

;

bev wendy ting and i then proceeded on to hollandv coffeebean to chill and waste time. slack. which we did, or at least ting and i did. haha. wendy and bev were discussing important stuff. haha. yup then they had to leave and i met amadeo so he could pass me stuff and then i met mat on the bus so we could go to town together! haha STUDYBUDDY! got to paragon and we headed for toysrus, one of the most happening hangouts ever, and went on a massive cam whoring spree. i think we sorta went back in time to when we were 5 years old again. and wanting to be princesses and all sorts of weird things like.. LEGO. hmm.

oh joy (:

;

we met cheryl and kat at spagheddies! <3 hearts. haha. and then jan arrived!! special surprise. havent seen her in such a looong time. haha then we had a very good talk about academics, and laughed about everything under the sun, such as LEND, LENT AND LEND-ED. AHAHAHA. ohno i still think thats hilarious! haha.

and may i now declare that these friends have the craziest ideas in the world cos they wanted to get me a dog. hahahaha i was shocked! but in a really good way. haha (: and then TONG. ohmygoodness. when asked for suggestion frm cheryl what to get, he suggested wakeboarding lessons! and skydiving! ohmyfainted. hahaha it was so highly entertaining! like one mad gift idea after another! but i must say it was uber creative. and in the end they got me a ticket to armydaze the play :O :O :O haha. thankyou! (: (: i am artsy and I WILL APPRECIATE IT. yay.

i really had a good catch up with them though, i like (:

;

A SAD TRAGIC THING HAPPENED WHILE I TOOK BUS HOME WITH JAN. TO CUT THE LONG STORY SHORT, THE BALLOON IS NOW SOMEWHERE IN HEAVEN. i was distraught. and super heartpain. SIGH.

;

got home and realised that i had got alot of flowers for my birthday. haha they are all so pretty! ahhh i wish they'd stay like that forever :( hmm. then i read all my cards and felt loved and content.

FLOWERPOWER! haha (:

;

ohmygosh. so many people to thank, so many people to SCREAM AT AND SAY I LOVE YOU! haha (: well lets first say thanks to the 40 odd people who sent me messages over the 28th to the 1st - tracy shaun joel tom weiru yueling sikhi shijun wangyu DAN!! lala ollie jingxiu tash roland beh huiling jialing JT kangwei chien wanyi cheryl reuben adeline daniel siyou xiutang ethel amadeo stephen li ann joshua bev zhihui nisa william cherlyn natlee cynli kenneth chare mae xizhen! and then ting and alvinmun who called me at 12 to wish me, MY OLDEST BROTHER who called me and pretended to be a cheena freak! (i was so freaked out i was wondering who in the world was it and then i realised it was him. haha!) clara who sent me a ecard all the way from UK! (LET THE LOVE SPREAD.. FROM YOUR TOES TO YOUR HEAD! A LITTLE BIT MORE ICING MAKES IT MORE ENTICING! ohman i was laughing like crazy), all the people who turned up on wednesday to surprise daniel and i (: and specially to daniel too! for being part of my birthday ACSPERIENCE. hurhur. and basically everybody else who took the trouble to remember, who took the trouble to wish me, and make me feel that little bit more loved <3

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from 17 to 18. its crazy, the jump. at 18 you're allowed to do all the 'LEGAL' stuff, so i was reminded by judith today. as well as DAN, who went 'now you can go drinking' and ZHIHUI, who went 'you can go clubbing tonight'. but its just one year. how much can you really mature overnight? i dont feel any different or any more mature than i was two days ago. haha. strange. i guess its something you got to tell yourself then. that you're older, and some things have got to change. the way you handle people. its a never ending lesson, i guess. i've been learning all these years, and i'm still learning. or maybe its a constantly refining process, i dont know. maybe i've learnt that some things are just worth more than my pride.

i guess my birthday resolution is just to be a better person. so simply said but so difficult to do.

i'll never get by
living on my own ability

;

ive realised that when you lapse into 'SELF-ABSORBED' mode, you really can't see past your own sorrows. you're just somehow stuck. stuck in your own little world, drowning in your own disillusions. but i believe it happens to everyone once in awhile. i'm just glad that i've got God to pull me out of the rut.

God makes all things beautiful
IN HIS TIME.

i think that should be what will take me through this year.

;

i look back now on all that i've been given and i can only say thank you to God and nothing else. i dont deserve any of the wonderful friends He's blessed me with, neither the amazing experiences, the beautiful memories, the life that i have. the greatest gift i could have ever received was God, and that has made all the difference.

;

cheers to the past 18 years of my life.

22:16 - 03.03.06

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i was going to blog about yesterday and today, but suddenly i dont feel like blogging anymore. i guess it'll have to wait till tmr. i had a good birthday though (:

;

how could the day end the same way it started? i dont understand what in the world is happening. i thought you knew we were worth more than this.

22:51 - 02.03.06

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the line of being terribly wanted and unwanted. the temptation to be wanted. the knowledge of the dangers of wanting.

the dilemma of being cared for and being spoilt. the heartache of waiting for something that might never come. the challenge in trusting. the judgement of maturity. the sad realisation of the truth. the ultimate sense of fulfillment. yet the ups and downs of life.

hello amadeo, lets meet up again soon! (:

;

God is like the sun - you can't see Him;
but without Him - you can't see anything.

23:28 - 28.02.06

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when the stars go blue.

the world of relative morality.
what is our moral yardstick?
i dont respect you doesnt mean i dont like you.
no absolutes - everything depends.

random thoughts from the week that i accumulated.

;

there is a fine line when it comes to friendship. i hope i dont cross it, i hope you dont cross it. through these 2 years ive been exposed more than ever to my weaknesses and inadequacies as a friend. things that hurt you, hurt me even more. i guess you'll never know how much. sometimes i wonder what in the world i am doing, whether im doing things right, whether thing should turn out this way. but how can i act against my conscience and my gut feeling. maybe im too consumed with pride - maybe i really think that im always right. maybe sometimes i need to constantly step back and be reminded that this is God's stage, not mine. God's people, not mine. God's plan, not mine.

all i'd like to let you know is that at the end of the day i dont keep my opinions to myself nor do i stuff down my own thoughts about things just to make you happy cos we're friends, we're how close - and i refuse to hide things from you and pretend that i think that everythings alright, fine and dandy. maybe now you cant understand it, maybe now you'll hate me. but i hope one day you'll understand. i'm sorry.

;

:( i dont know what to do.

19:55 - 27.02.06

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you are my sugar rush.

arts night 2006.

it was a rocking success, and we attribute it entirely to God and no one else. preperations were last minute and somewhat worrysome at through the week, being post funorama and all, but at the end of the day we pulled it off, God made it work, and it was one of the most memorable nights that id had so far! the kind that you look back and smile and wish you could relive. i really want a second arts night! ahhh.

i guess it sorta turned literally into a talent showcase. we have so many many talented people in the school, musically especially, and all of them got their recognition on friday night. the crowd was super! the performances were awesome. everything was fantastic. ahhh im still in a post artsnight mode, jumpy and all (:

they sang three songs, one of which was a duet. when the stars go blue. i LOVE that song, beautiful beautiful makes me drift off into a dreamy state. haha arts night made me fall in love with manymany songs, actually (:

Dancin' where the stars go blue
Dancin' where the evening fell
Dancin' in your wooden shoes
In a wedding gown

Dancin' out on 7th street
Dancin' through the underground
Dancin' little marionette
Are you happy now?

Where do you go when you're lonely
Where do you go when you're blue
Where do you go when you're lonely
I'll follow you
When the stars go blue

Laughing with your pretty mouth
Laughing with your broken eyes
Laughing with your lover's tongue
In a lullaby

FAINTED <3

;

chek sang standbyme by oasis. im so in love with that song now! ahhh its just replaying in my head over and over again and it cant stop. and chek can sing quite well ah! good voice for the song. yay (:

;

and here's the bomb.

WILD GIRL!! IF I WERE A GUY I WOULD MARRY YOU!! (: (: (: too talented already this one. guys were fainting for her! haha (:

;

but of course, HEARTSxMILLION were given to none other than joseph yong.

HEARTS HEARTS HEARTS HEARTS HEARTS HEARTS <3 he sang the first line to the way you look tonight, and the girls all fainted. as in literally. screamed and fainted. haha! it was quite a very GROUPIE thing to do, but i guess for that moment i knew how it felt to be swept off your feet and brought high up somewhere among the clouds and be floating around above the world. ohmyGOODNESS. basically throughout the entire song cos most of us went to the front of the stage to form a moshpit type thingy, we were just swooning like nobodys business. haha. i always knew i had a weakness for things like this. haha after the event ended, ALL the girls were swarming to joseph to get pictures with him. haha! so cute (:

Someday, when I'm awfully low
When the world is cold
I will feel a glow just thinking of you
And the way you look tonight

Yes you're lovely
With your smile so warm
And your cheeks so soft
There is nothing for me but to love you
And the way you look tonight

With each word your tenderness grows
Tearing my fear apart
And that laugh that wrinkles your nose
It touches my foolish heart

You're lovely, never ever change
Keep that breathless charm
Won't you please arrange it
Cause I love you
Just the way you look tonight

OHMYGOSH. FAINTEDxAMILLION. this is the ultimate weapon to winning a girls heart. i officially admit that i will honestly fall for any guy who sings that to me. haha! ohno ok im in a very dreamy state right now, please excuse me.

;

(:

;

i think that some of my funorama pictures have automatically deleted themselves from my computer. I AM ANGRY! which means i have to get them from matthewjohn. i refuse to post up any funorama pics until i have the complete set! haha my apologies (:

19:08 - 27.02.06

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be my escape.

If love at first sight were mutual, or to be conciliated by kind offices; if the fondest affection were not so often repaid and chilled by indifference and scorn; if so many lovers both before and since the madman in Don Quixote had not 'worshipped a statue, hunted the wind, cried aloud to the desert'; if friendship were lasting; if merit were renown and renown were health, riches, and long life; or if the homage of the world were to conscious worth and the true aspirations after excellence, instead of its gaudy signs and outward trappings; then indeed I might be of the opinion that it is better to live to others than one's-self.

from one of the handouts that we were given during e8. got my attention, and though i dont agree that there needs to be justifications for living life to others, i think the writing is simply beautiful.

;

so. things left unsaid just really do not help relationships. but im glad it came out, eventually. and im glad we got to talk, in depth. sometimes the words that come out of my mouth surprise me, i dont know where they come from. im conscious that i mean it, but i could never have imagined myself saying them. strange, really. but im glad i said what i said anyway. im glad you said what you said. and im glad it ended off with me having a significant peace of mind.

;

its the end of the road for most of us regarding orientation. honestly i did hold on to that small glimmer of hope that we might all be taking part in o2 together again, but i guess it just wasnt meant to be. and taking one step backwards and looking at the whole picture, i guess it really is risky since its so near terms. but its hard for me to let go of what i know wouldve been reliving the acsperience of a lifetime. but thats just me. im easily jealous, too proud to let go of things, against change. BOO.

;

i am sincerely starting to worry about my studies.

21:47 - 23.02.06

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what you are is beautiful.

and even though whenever i see you i'm reminded of what could've been, now its accompanied by a constant sense of reminder that what we have now is just friendship, maybe not even good friends anymore - just normal friends. it makes me truly happy to see you after a long long time, to see that you haven't changed much, or have changed for the better, to see that our eyes can stil meet and smile like we used to. i think maybe things are turning for the better. and it was truly a wonderful feeling seeing you that day. like old times.

20:42 - 21.02.06

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you're bittersweet.

so as quickly has it begun, funorama 18th has ended. this week has been a flurry of activities leading up to today. there's been highs and lows, unspoken tension and disagreements, but eventually all things fell into place just as they were supposed to, and thats all that matters (:

staying late at the LT constructing stuff, cutting strips and strips of tape, laughing and freaking out at the mannequins, the pathetic dinners frm dover market. and getting high. ade and siyou! hahaha. on thursday night ade and i just went crazy while building the tunnel thingy. i believe more than ever that music heals the soul! hurhur. we were making so much noise inside our tunnel that i think the opposite people in the tunnel were shouting for us to shutup. haha! then siyou came to join us and did her wannabe thingy. ohmytians. hahahaa. super funny.

and the fullday weekend of banner painting! the saturday and sunday where we spent more than 24 hours in the school in 2 days. painting banner from morning to night. it was interesting and relatively enjoyable though (: and the staying back after school to finish painting. and the alumni. the CRAZY alumni who were just mrngoei's x100. haha cos they are all the same pattern. matthewjohn and his ATTITUDE, ian and the uncanny AMI resemblence! and darkwing duck! i am the creature who flaps in the night. i am the shadow lurking in the darkness :D HAHA. it was just really fun messing around with them and working with them. we really couldnt have done it without alumni help (:

and the day itself. started off the day with STONED out mode, and then the buzz slowly took off. the CRAZY CROWD, the queues, the tickets, the fastpasses that cause so much problems, the changing shifts, the screams, the heat, the backache, the standing, the hunger, the competition. it was awesome. really proud of our entire class, how we pulled this off. i come to now recognize that we really work the shortcut smart way instead of the hardworking long way. which might not always be a bad thing, because take hauntedhse for an example, it turned out fantastic!

after the big cleanup some of us went to eat XLB. everyone's dead tired. aching all over. wanting to sleep. including me! sadly we didn't really get to enjoy funorama, but i guess it was worth it putting in our best for each other, for the school.

but its all too soon, too fast. everything was over in a day! :( sadness. it'll be strange adjusting back to school again, without the blueslips and skipping lessons. haha. sorta like postorientation. nows postfunorama.

gona suffer from WITHDRAWL SYMPTOMS soon.

23:21 - 19.02.06

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far away for far too long.

happy vday to all (:

it was a good day, despite three quarters of our class not being around for most of the day. haha but i really didnt wana miss vday! esp since its gona be our LAST vday in ac :( sighness. anyways. haha i love LOVE! <3

teachers sang during break. SUPER nice! more than words, when you say nothing at all, eternal flame. tash ting and i were just like singing our hearts out along with them! uber sweet! (: and funniest quote of the day by shaunchan, "finding you is harder than finding the holy grail!" HAHAHAHAH :D

lit s got cancelled! did banner painting and filming after school. and a bunch of us were sitting on level 3 at night talking crap. one of the most relaxing and best ways to spend time, or vday for that matter! with people that you care about (:

i remember saying at the beginning stages of last year that the friends i make in jc wont be those that i will keep for life.

i take that back.

;

THANKYOU ABEL -_- but thinking about it, i think its kinda true! haha (: rocks.

;

so as the days go by it gets harder and harder to choose love. but i'm trying. i need God to give me strength though :(

i guess it doesn't matter how people think about me, i guess it doesn't matter if people hate me or whatever, i guess the most important thing that matters is that within myself, i don't bear grudges. not let the sun set on your anger. its really a learning process, and i'm not saying i'm perfecting this commandment at one go, but i'm doing the best i can. cos i know that i hurt God if i disappoint him and do things that i shouldn't do.

so i came to the conclusion that i get pissed for like, maybe, an hour. and then after that, i FORCE myself to be happy again. or maybe it just happens. i don't know. and maybe its a good thing. I Choose Love.

nobody said it was easy.

;

met a really nice taxi driver today on the way to mustafa to get supplies. and it just occurred to me how life is so unfair, and the need to share the gospel. i believe i am considering becoming a missionary.

;

funorama is coming! the sad thing is that it'll be over all too fast. after that will be arts night. and that will be over all too fast too. and then all the hateful things will come pouring in. ahh i can do this.

21:28 - 16.02.06

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let that be enough.

arts night auditions yesterday! so interesting, so entertaining! im proud of reuben and nat! HEARTS! AND JOSEPH! FAINTED! HEARTS DINGDING HEARTS! i told you i had a soft spot for guys who can sing.

then i went for tuition. and tuition got more fun because i made friend(s). and the world is so small that i really believe that you can connect the entire world in one loop.

;

its been EMO/PMS week, month, period of time - whatever. basically i just feel that things have gotten really moodyish lately. and i dont feel like relating to people the way i used to. i feel happy with some people, i feel edgy with some, PMSish at some, irritated and annoyed at some, shocked at some.. ahh lets not go on :( TIS DEPRESSING.

had a rather Long Talk with bev today while walking around the school in the rain. rather romantic i say! haha. and then we extended the Talk with amadeo that night at windmill. the conclusion is that - i dont know what the conclusion is. to me, things are just disappointing. things, people, everything. which is pretty sad i think, cos i really had more hope and trust and expectation in all these things than what it came out as.

do people actually realise the things that they do, the things that they say? do they do it on purpose? i really want to know. do people really just do things based on what they feel? what a question.

maybe the ultimate test of long lasting friendship is the test of love. there can be impressions, judgements and disappointments, but deep down inside, i believe i do care. i believe that i CAN choose love over everything else. hard as it may be. i know its not right per se to just overlook everybodys faults and flaws and say that its part of who they are, but i believe that love can allow us to help them change.

okay this is going to be tough :(

i might sound like i have the answers, and that i know what im doing, but i dont. honestly. i just want to do things that God want me to do, things that will please Him. but what do you do when you have no clue what God wants you to do? all i can do is trust that whatever happens is from Him then. no regrets?

;

Wish I had what I needed
To be on my own
Cause I feel so defeated
And I’m feeling alone

And it all seems so helpless
And I have no plans
I’m a plane in the sunset
With no where to land

And all I see
It could never make me happy
And all my sandcastles
Spend their time collapsing

Let me know that you hear me
Let me know your touch
Let me know that you love me
Let that be enough.

i remember the emo day when i took 74 home while listening to this song, and i was just crying. boys and girls, life isn't easy.

the only things that make life that much more bearable are the people that truly truly love and care for me. if you ask me, i'd say there arent many, that love me wholeheartedly and entirely for who i am, but i dont need many. God's given, and i'm more than blessed, more than grateful. hearts (:

"im happy that if we mess up now
we still have eternity together<:"

you always make me smile (:

22:29 - 10.02.06

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champagne supernova in the sky.

because ethel and i agreed that we should blog about it. CROSS COUNTRY 2006. haha the most meaningless and pointless school event of the year! not saying that it isnt fun.. i think this years one was the funnest of all the cross countrys i attended. the last, actually, come to think about it.

we got there early before reporting time, and ting and i walked to the bus stop to wait. and had a Good Talk.

so there were the competitive runners, the competitive walkers, and the competitive slackers/the mass walkers. hurhur! hahaha we spent a long time waiting for the starting time, and ethel and i were just roaming the carpark grounds getting sunburnt (my scalp is sunburnt ouchh) and talking to random people and laughing at random things. before we got tired and dizzy and sat down to stone and mope. so when we FINALLY started the 'race', we were super lethargic alreadys. it was supposed to be alvinmun xizhen ethel esther brendan nalli meiyi shaunchan and i mass walking. but esther and brendan got lost along the way to the starting line, and SHAUNCHAN pangsehed us because of his guilt/dignity/maleegocentrism and started to run off halfway. i knew it was going to happen! haha cos before that he was like 'if we walk all the way we are not giving respect to the organizer..' i say ah. vicepres of student council. to quote kim, council brainwashes yew! haha.

anyway so it ended up with alvinmun xizhen ethel and i. and the four of us MASS WALKED AH. i say. im so proud of us, we walked all the way! laughing at random woodland/maristella kids who were running like gazelles, mashimaro bag boy, singing songs while listening to my ipod, laughing at ourselves and how slack we were, slacker.com buffking.com weirdo. com! wehya. haha. and tryingnottosteponleaves. weird alvinmun. haha. alright and we finished at a record breaking time of 40 minutes! haha it was really anticlimax though cos by the time we got there, there wasnt anymore welcome party. and everyone was ALREADY in their houses practising cheers and stuff. hurhur.

TKK got third for cheering! yay im pretty proud of us. considering that our makeup of people isnt the most enthu nor sporting. i think the entire comm is probably all there is to it. but anyhow, proud of us all the same! yayee. oldham was how happening la. meixi power. haha. and LSG! which won overall. WILDBOAR. now he's going to be even more pompous than he already is! one day he shall explode.

after that a bunch of us went down to dover to get paint and eat. eat and laugh. and just laugh. and have random outbursts of laughter that cannot be contained. i did enjoy the conversation-over-dinner episode tonight. it felt quite warm and fuzzy (:

and dont worry tash, HEARTS! <3

;

PMS. maybe thats why.

22:22 - 09.02.06

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'every morning he wakes up unconsciously making a conscious decision to keep on loving you...'

;

strangely its the small things that bother me. all the small things. little by little, one by one, they add up to form this giant mass of intolerable substance called ANNOYANCE. it could be anyone. but then again recently i do believe i have become slightly irritable and PMSish (BUT NOT TO THE EXTENT OF NGP MYGDNESS), and my mood has been swinging quite a bit. of course i try not to let it show.

blossom buttercup and bubbles! its been a long time since we were three again. it felt good talking today. its so much easier telling both of you things at one go. and i really realised that i have NO secrets! can't believe it, but its true :O haha. ohno so pathetic. maybe i should try to hide stuff from you guys. cant believe i have to try. gosh. haha but its good (:

;

thng's SECOND goldenmoment of the year. unbelievably funny. hurhur.

;

theres a danger in loving somebody too much. and its sad when you know its your heart you cant trust. there's a reason why people dont stay where they are. baby sometimes love just aint enough.

i never really understood what that meant. but know i'm beginning to. its painful.

21:09 - 08.02.06

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everytime i close my eyes.

(: though we dont meet up all that often, or call or msg that often, though you are lazy to reply msgs and we are both busy to go for our icecream dates, though we're in seperate schools, though we dont catch up in ages, i know and you know that i've got you & you've got me too.

and i miss guaiboy, venezia, our booth, brushetta casalinga and quiche and coffeebean, coldstorage, that same table, the coming out early and going home late. and i know you do too.

you're 18 already, end of this month we'll BOTH be 18. we're getting old! i really look forward to the day when we're all married with kids, and we'll go to venezia and laugh at our kids running around in circles and falling down, complain about our jobs and about our husbands, still wondering where guaiboy is. haha! we're gona grow old together and be ugly together, whine and nag and talk about everything under the sun. amazingly i'm looking forward to that day.

but for now, i'm just glad i've got you, i'm glad i know you're still one of my best friends, i'm glad to know that our conversations arent all superficial but stuff from the heart, i'm glad to know that we've both learnt from each other. and i thank God for giving you to me, for being a blessing in my life! (:

thanks for all the moments. the studying, the laughing, the watching the world go by, the learning, the enlightening, the bimboticness, the retardedness, the heart to heart, the sentiments, the company.

we've got our song and we've got each other.

happy 18th. much love <3

20:22 - 08.02.06

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i'm kinda ashamed of myself for putting church stuff at the back of my mind, when i made a promise, a resolution to put that as an important area in my life this year.

yesterday we went for cell, recordbreaking number of 16 people! (: beh was so impressed. i also say. i was too. and we talked about church history; which i must say is a super interesting topic! now i finally know how all the catholics and protestants and denominations thingy came about. how religion and politics were so closely linked, which i find is an extremely tragic fact, cos they are practically 2 opposing aspects! hmm. HUMANS ARE EVIL. oh well. borrowed ollie's casting crowns cds. they are SO good! i love the lyrics. they're really really meaningful. just what i needed.

the sermon today was really good. its such a fresh change frm the usual. it was short sweet and it stuck in your head.

when God speaks, obey.
When God is silent, trust in His character.

and thats how everyone should live their life.

discussed the youth ministry stuff with uncle bobby again after that, and i realised that its really going to be a challenge for the few of us who are taking the initiative to take charge of the youth structure. im fully aware that passion and excitement for this thing might very well die out when the weight of the world comes on our shoulders, but i really wish to follow through this by a commitment that im making. i hope the rest feel the same.

;

at the moment, there's just so much to do, so much to think about, so much going on. and i hate the feeling of all these things filling my head, leaving me no space to breathe and think clearly. i need to surrender it all. i really do.

;

yesterday night.

4am, i switched on my ipod and a song played. and i knew at that moment that God was real; even more real than ever before. and more than anything else, He cared.

You’re holding their hand,
You’re straining for words
You’re trying to make sense of it all
They’re desperate for hope,
Darkness clouding their view
They’re looking to you

Just love them like Jesus,
Carry them to Him
His yoke is easy,
His burden is light
You don’t need the answers
To all of life’s questions
Just know that He loves them
And stay by their side

Love them like Jesus.

14:20 - 05.02.06

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as long as you love me.

valentine's day is coming! :D HEARTS.

i really loved vday last year; the whole flurry of activity in school - you could feel the love just overflowing in every single corner of the school grounds. which was a first for me, since in nanyang valentines day was a noboyfriendthennotimportant day. im pretty looking forward to this years vday! where i can express my HEARTS to those people who matter. alot of people matter, and they deserve to know it. yay! haha. last year's was special in its own way i guess; cant say i regret how i spent it, but it has taught me lessons. i still believe that love from friends beats everything hands down. alongside love from God, of course (: but now to think of what to get for all these people. hmmm.

12:56 - 04.02.06

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I wanna make you smile whenever you’re sad
Carry you around when your arthritis is bad
All I wanna do is grow old with you

I’ll get your medicine when your tummy aches
Build you a fire if the furnace breaks
Oh it could be so nice,
Growing old with you

I’ll miss you
I’ll kiss you
Give you my coat when you are cold
I’ll need you
I’ll feed you
Even let you hold the remote control

So let me do the dishes in our kitchen sink
Put you to bed if you’ve had too much to drink
I could be the man who grows old with you
I wanna grow old with you

;

stayed back for movie under the stars today and watched weddingsinger! haha. i think it was my first time going for movie under the stars; decided to patronize a bit. and now im not even changed yet and still in my uniform STINKING OF REUBENS COLOGNE cos he very happily just sprayed it on me. but im sitting here, feeling really really happy, in a veryvery sharp contrast to how i was feeling earlier in the day.

;

so the day didnt really start of well. due to after effects of last night, where bev tash kat siyou wendaye and i stayed up at my place to make pasta for fundraising. TEN PACKETS OF PASTA. ohmy. and i was chopping onions, siyou was chopping garlic, everyone else was doing everything else.. and i kept crying cos of the onion!! so loser. i was the only one crying :( anyway it was SO TIRING and SO MENTALLY AND PHYSICALLY DRAINING. its difficult making pasta, let me tell you now! >:( we finished at about ten, plus clearing up and everything; i really officially finished at ELEVEN. and still had to do e8 assignment :( poor me, poor us.

so back to today. after our classmate's unenthusiasm and EVERYBODYSNOTFREEism in not wanting to make pasta, the least i expected was for them to help out to sell. oh my goody goodness. i'm really too tired to go into details of what happened. by econs i was fuming couldnt take it anymore!!! i was just pissed the universe. EGARD. but i guess things got better after that. i guess. walked around for what seemed like forever, before we finally managed to sell all our pasta and bread and butter pudding. i believe we were selling for 2 or 3 hours non stop.

i do not like to be angry for long. but i apologize for being rude to anyone i did not intend to be rude at.

;

but anyway. just got back from the movie, talking to a few people online. and i am happy. haha :D its really strange how a few people and a few sentences can just turn your entire mood around. but its really beautiful as well. and i'm so glad for them.

gutfriend! thank you for what you said; you have no idea how good it feels to have someone tell you that you're never too busy for them. and some other things you might think they dont mean much but they mean alot to me. a GAZILLIONGAZILLION hearts to you, and nothing can express how much i thank God for putting you in my life.

;

i love the feeling of familiarity.

;

and YOU.

why must you come and mess me up again. it was a pleasant surprise, but its messed me up. why - i hate to start guessing again.

every little thing you do is magic.

22:41 - 04.02.06

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so blessed i can't contain it.

i'm making EMO PLAYLISTS on itunes right now. aint that splendid! haha (:

the whole GYLC thing has got me thinking. talked to my parents about it; and theres just this nagging feeling telling me that its not right to splurge 5K on this thingy. as prestigious as it might be, as fun, as good an experience it might be, i don't think that i NEED to go, you know? its not a matter of life and death, its not that im DYING to go. it would be nice, it would be really fun. but like what ade said, its really sad that its dependent on whether u can pay or not, rather than if you qualify to go. hmm. im not the world affairs sort, not the super enthu about all these UN model conferences type - honestly i see no point in equipping yourself with all this information about the world when you dont actually DO something about it.

at least i know what i want to do; i know where my heart truly lies. i want to do social work, i want to do hands on activities to help people. i'd rather save this amount of money so that after my A levels i can go hook up with worldvision or some other organization, go to a lesser developed country and really make a difference for people there. rather than discussing world affairs in an airconditioned environment - not saying that im mocking or looking down on all of these people; i do admire those who do have a passion and a flair for such things; maybe because i lack it. but heart of hearts, i know myself best, and i know what i'd rather spend my time and money on that would not only make me happy, but others, and God as well (:

its amazing how God prompts you to make decisions and wise choices. i really really thank Him for it.

furthermore, i just went to the NY and Philly last month! so it doesnt make sense for me to go again; its not that i dont have the exposure or anything. God has blessed me with more than enough. going for this would be an additional HUGE blessing; but one that i really can do without. i guess it makes more sense to spend the june holidays studying for prelims! :D hahaha or at least doing church work, which has yet to be started. but i really have great hopes for the youth - i hope we can pull something together.

for now my greatest challenge is motivation to be a mugger :( what happened to my ambition for 2006!? im turning into a slacker again! i must stop. the last thing i want is a nervous breakdown at the end of it all. Be Strong and Take Heart.

21:50 - 01.02.06

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When your day is long
And the night is yours alone
When you think you've had enough
Of this life
Hang on

Don't let yourself go
Cos everybody cries
And everybody hurts
Sometimes

When your day is night
If you feel like letting go
If you're sure you've had too much
Of this life
Hang on

Cos everybody hurts
Sometimes
Take comfort in your friends
And everybody cries
Everybody hurts, sometimes.

22:26 - 01.02.06

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a part of me died when i let you go.

i'm in an extremely everybody-shd-feel-sorry-for-me state of mind right now. which i know is veryvery selfish and inward looking and evil. so thus people should just ignore me. but then it becomes a vicious cycle cos everything feeds off everything.

i keep having latenight phone convos and then waking up thinking that they are a dream. happened thrice already. not good. one day i might just babble too much when im half asleep and let important things slip! :O

warning to self: public holidays are a horrendous day to watch any movie. be it the lousiest most unpopular film. sold out sold out SOLD OUT. lido to cine to great world. thng and i spent alot of time pondering about how life sucks. hurhur and ate xlb (so whats new) and ben&jerrys (PW OUTING!) and looked at household appliances at BEST. what a great way to spend an afternoon. i blame it on the boogie.

so now im home, once again moping stoning and feeling sorry for myself. i dont want to go to school tmr, i dont want to do anything in particular but rot. ROT. shrivel up like a prune. i dont want to sleep cos its a waste of time, i dont want to do work because im lazy and unmotivated, i dont want to talk to anyone in particular because i'll just annoy everyone with my whining, i dont want to listen to music cos i'm just gona keep repeating that same song. i know where this is going.

today we saw a girl with a shirt that said, love is not blind. what untruth. it triggered off many thoughts.

17:40 - 01.02.06

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it has been a miserable chinese new year. i had an allergic reaction to SOMETHING (that i till now canot detect what) since saturday night and its been getting worse since! ARGHHH i had to go to church and visiting my relatives looking SUNBURNT when it was actually my entire face becoming red. and at night it got worse so i just ended up looking like a red swollen lump. my dad drove me out at abt midnight in search for a doctor till we found silvercross at hollandv. AND THE DOCTOR GAVE ME A JAB ON THE ASS. near enough, at least. OWWWWWW. and we paid 81 bucks!!! cos it was CNY and cos there was a jab. what a ripoff. argh. so i went home and slept. woke up took medicine and everything subsided. and then now i just came back frm visiting and its starting up again! not on the face, thankgoodness, but on my stomach. AGHHHHH I HATE I HATE. i want to be hospitalized! so that i feel sorry for myself for being stricken with such a horrible allergy on chinese new year period :( im feeling really uncomfortable right now; last night i wanted to keel over and die on the spot. this is much much worse than having a fever or cold or headache or anything cos its YOU CANT DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT. KILL ME NOW. i hope i'm still alive by the time tmr comes. what a horrible holiday >:(

22:01 - 31.01.06

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in no particular order,list down 3 people you talk to online, 4 people you see at school, 2 teachers, 3 people you love going out with and 3 people in your sms inbox.

1. darroch
2. reuben
3. michael
4. bev
5. kat
6. tash
7. peter
8. mrngoei
9. mrperrin
10. mat
11. nat
12. dora
13. zhihui
14. denzyl
15. wendy

So what do you think of number 4?
hearts <3

How would you feel if number 15 slapped you on your face?
i would either find it REALLY FUNNY or i would find it really hurtful :( :( WENDAYE!!!!! WHYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!

On a scale of 1-10, rate how good looking number 5 is.
i say 8! (:

How nice is number 6?
as nice as hearts and butterflies! (:

Will you ever fall for number 11?
our friendship has moved past that stage :D

What sport would you play with number 12?
HAHAHAHA DORA.. i really dont know ah. POLAR BEAR. but thats not a sport. aw dammit.

What if number 1 got a girlfriend?
depends on who the girlfriend is, but i would be very happy for him cos he deserves a good girlfriend! (:

Do you hate number 9?
haha no?! mrperrin is HOW COOL. spy okay.

How much do you like number 2?
veryvery much! :D

Would 14 one day kill you?
UH NO!????????

Who do you like more? 3 or 10?
ahahahaha u cant measure this on the same level. esp cos i get insulted alot from thng! i love mat (:

22:31 - 29.01.06

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i wish you knew how i feel.

((haha warning: picture filled entry!!))

and here's a recount of FRIDAY, i.e. yesterday. started in the morning with CNY celebrations, which i actually thought were not bad. not that the performances were wow but rather it was so interesting watching people from the balcony!! haha ting and i went on a massive people/sights spotting. and i must say we're quite good. please look at the wonderful things we spotted throughout the celebrations:

02. ting and i noticed how long fish's legs were! :O

03. dewinne nat & andrewchin. GAY BEYOND WORDS. nat was touching andrew's hair through the entire celebration! SIGH.

04. meiyi & crawshaw. really strange but innovative way of getting a better view.

05. haha chek and ethel!! in bumblebee coloured cny costumes :D

06. GASPGASP most exciting spotting ever! a certain classmate of ours (name will not be mentioned to protect identity) ran off to sit with TWO GUYS! ohmy. scandalous.

07. mae & jaime. siamese twins :D

;

alrighty after the celebrations kat and i went off the meet 4/5ers at marche! haha it was cheryl chien kat and i at first, then mat and sheila joined us. mat has a extremely husky (HUSKY! BEV! HAHAH) voice now. she sounds like my church friend! haha but YAY so glad to see all of them again! and sheila straightened her hair! and no more OP CLOTHES! OHMY SHEILA IS BECOMING A TRUEBLUE WOMANNN. fainted. yes. and it was real good seeing chienwei who is far far away in VJ and hearing of her interesting developments (: and cheryl with her updated rj stories and MAT who has been M.I.A because she never answers messages. gawsh. haha :D

chien/cherylkat/lala/mat

;

then later at night there was the WILD PARTY which really wasnt wild at all. hahahaha. it was as usual, but really interesting seeing people dressed up. i apologize for being boring. ahhahahaa. but anyway! yay i love seah's house! cos there were pretty lights (: and i liked the long long table where we had our dinner. very familyish.

highlight of the night was when they made xizhen take off his shirt cos he was supposed to be tarzan -_- and then there was this huge commotion! aiyo.

OSD!!!!!!!!!!!! HAHA :D

if you want to see the waterpolo captain's hot bod (TSKTSK), pictures here.

YAY. then peter and i played the 'uncle' whacking game! and we were both like screaming in pain cos it was REALLY PAINFUL but it was so funny so we just kept going. hahahahhaa (: and its not finished yet cos neither of us has shouted uncle! hahaha.

OW.

yep then bev came and we talked abt SHOCKING things! and unexplainable phenomenons. SIGH SIGH SIGH. haha people are really weird! oh wells.

;

ohyes i suddenly remembered we filmed the uber funny BSB video in the morning before celebrations! its so hilarious i love it. funniest thing ever!! its like orientation! hahahaha these are the things that are gona stay in my AC memories forever and ever. hahaha. the guys in our class shall never live it down! hur cant wait for the vid to be shown during assembly.

21:47 - 29.01.06

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fall to pieces.

EMO is the blog trend of the moment. everywhere i go and every blog is surf, theres always always an emo entry. hurhur. i believe its just a phase though; we shall all get through life's emoNESS. eventually.

went to chinatown today. BLOOMING HOT DAY. crowds and heat and shouting and RED RED RED everywhere. i wondered if that was truly the singapore culture. haha. reunion dinner today at my grandfather's place.

;

maybe i should take these four days of holiday to slowly sort out what ive been leaving out of my life thats actually really important. i feel angsty recently; or at least my parents make me feel that i am feeling angsty. oh complications. am i really angsty!? i dont think so - i dont know? i feel generally very happy when im in school, but somehow its been difficult to relate to my parents recently. hm maybe this too is a phase. i'll live.

i shall blog about yesterday another time, cos i'm having a bit of problem uploading the pictures :( :( but it was one exciting & tiring day. AND SHOCKING AS WELL. shocking i say.

;

no matter what people say, everything that i do, i do it in love. because I CHOOSE LOVE. and nothing else. i choose love above all.

and because i choose love, God lives in me and the choices that i make in life are all from Him, not of myself.

wwjd.

;

i heart many many people.
so everyone has a bit of my heart now
- pieces of me
please take care of it.
i've lost too many pieces before
that i dont know if my heart is still whole.

17:31 - 29.01.06

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so difficult to love
so difficult to hate
so difficult to forget

but a memory
but a moment
but a part of what could never be again

bizzarely beautiful
beautiful disaster
disaster destroys

if we could go for one more round
maybe this time
id say what i should have
maybe?

more than anything
close to you
but not to have nor hold

it wouldve never worked anyway

the feelings gone?
the hole remains
the memories linger
the boy walks away
the girl waits

its hard
knowing you
loving you
losing you

but then comes a time
to give it up
to let go of the moments
cos its not longer worth it

im free again
to live life and love life

thank you for making
and breaking me
i'll always remember
and smile
and know you made me
that much stronger
wiser
better

(: finally its the end.

22:36 - 26.01.06

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sometimes love just ain't enough.

Now I don't wanna lose you,
But I don't wanna use you
Just to have somebody by my side
And I don't wanna hate you
I don't wanna take you
But I don't wanna be the one to cry
That don't really matter to anyone, anymore
But like a fool I keep losing my place
And I keep seeing you walk through that door

Now I could never change you
and I don't wanna blame you
Baby you don't have to take the fault
Yes I may have hurt you
But I did not desert you
Maybe I just wanna have it all

But there's a danger in loving somebody too much.

;

i'm quite addicted to that song. maybe i just wanna have it all. sigh sigh SIGH. let me dwell in my emo moment.

;

siyou and i have similar VIBES. i think it is a jbxx thing :D

i'm very sure i was actually going to blog about something worth blogging but now i think i have forgotten what it was. ARGH.

i think i actually like school. despite the worrying at the back of my mind that a levels are coming and i actually have to master all this nonsense, i actually enjoy sitting in class, being with my classmates, hanging around at the vd during breaks, laughing at random jokes and random things, and just, being in school. i think i'm going to miss it terribly when we leave. i don't even wana think about it! :O

;

WHY must things be so confusing. why cant things just be straightforward and like, IN A LINE. so many choices. its not really about choices, its about sorting out your thoughts and feelings and what you want, what you dont want. and the feelings. they just come and go. and come and go. i wish they would just cut it out. complications arise because of all this. complications are snot good. SNOT. good :D

;

here's an article my mom sent to my two older brothers and myself.

Mission Before Mate

Those of us of a certain vintage will remember that in our college years, we were told that in the matter of choosing a life partner, we must follow this rule: mission before mate.

In other words we had to be first clear as to what God wanted us to do with our lives. Then, we had some handle in choosing a life partner because the right life partner would be one who would be committed to a similar vocation and thereby able to assist us in pursuing that mission.

In those days, if you were a guy you assumed that the lady would be taking care of the house and raising the kids, to free you to do your thing. And then you discovered that not all the ladies interpreted the life partner rule quite in the same way.

In any case, mission before mate was a tough rule to follow because few of us at 19 knew what our life mission was.

We had no clue as to what God wanted us to do with our lives. Meanwhile our hormones were raging. And then there were those hunks/babes?

Well, with the hindsight of age fifty, more marital adventures than I had ever counted on, and a fresh reading of Genesis 1 and 2, I have to say, what do you know, those speakers at our College fellowships were right. It is mission before mate.

In the Genesis Chapter 2 account of the creation of man for example, we see that three things define Adam's life:

1. Vocation --- He is to work the garden and care for it. (V.15)

2. Provision --- God generously provides for all Adam's needs. He can eat from all the trees of the garden except one. (V.16)

3. Prohibition --- God gives Adam a clear warning. There is one tree from which Adam must not eat. (V.17)

It is in this context of Vocation, Provision and Prohibition that God announces that it is not good for man to be alone. (V.18)

You may ask why does God wait until this point to point out that Adam needs a Eve. Why didn't He just make them man and woman from the word go. I like Bruce Waltke's explanation. He believes that Adam must discover for himself his incompleteness:

"Adam must realize that it is not good to be alone. Rather than squandering his most precious gift on one who is unappreciative, God waits until Adam is prepared to appreciate the gift of the woman." (GENESIS, 89)

However it is also clear that the woman is to be an equal partner that enters into the man's experience of vocation, provision, and prohibition. Together, the man-woman partnership is to carry out God's task of caring for creation, enjoying God's generosity, and resisting sin.

the 'helper' is an indispensable 'partner' (REB) required to achieve the divine commission." (Kenneth A. Matthews, GENESIS 1 - 11:26, 214)

I have heard many sermons on marriage from Genesis Chapters 1 and 2. Most focus on the companionship dimension of marriage, on the 'wow" of Chapter 2 v.23. I believe that the book of The Song of Songs shows that God endorses romantic and sexual love.

But still, the "wow" has a context, the context of vocation, provision, and prohibition.

Therefore when one is considering a potential life partner, it would make sense to ask:

1. Is this person committed to God and His purposes? Can I forge a partnership with him/her to do God's work, however that is defined for us?

2. Does this person understand the faithful provision of God? Can we go through life in faith and trust, pointing out to each other the generous care of God? Can we go through life with hearts of gratitude?

3. Is this person committed to a life of holiness? Can we be used by God to help one another resist the assaults of Satan, the world and the flesh?

Of course the prior thing to do is to check if we ourselves are people like that. Am I committed to God and His purposes? Am I aware of God's faithful care and have a grateful heart? Am I actively resisting sin in my life?

You may say, boy it is tough enough to find a potential life partner. If you throw in all these qualifications, I'll never find a warm body to share my life!

What to do? This is God's Word. Do you trust Him enough to supply a life partner if it is His will?

Besides what are the alternatives? The many unhappy marriages you see around you? The ever-increasing number of broken marriages? I often wonder how many of those marriages could have been saved if there had been greater sensitivity to the issues of vocation, provision and prohibition.

Some of us are married already and like many, entered into marriage with little spiritual education. Nobody told us the biblical teaching on marriage. What should we do now?

Start building the marriage according to God's purposes! Start structuring your marriage around vocation, provision, and prohibition. You may discover a real revival in your marriage and even a return of the "wow"!

What about those who are single? We must believe that God loves us more than we love ourselves and that if it is in His will for us to be married He will bring the right person at the right time.

In the meantime, we can continue to build our lives around the themes of vocation, provision, and prohibition. We do need significant others in our lives. We seek out good friends, soul mates, brothers and sisters who are also committed to walking the path of vocation, gratitude, and holiness.

We live in a fallen world. Even marriages entered into with the best of intentions, may fall apart. When such tragedies happen we need to come alongside people to help them rebuild their lives.

But we should also seek out ways to help people experience marriage as it was meant to be. And I do believe the manufacturer's instructions talks about marriage as a partnership for doing God's work, enjoying God's blessings, and obeying God's Word.

So yes, boys and girls, it is mission before mate.

;

so difficult, but so important.

22:02 - 26.01.06

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I SAY AH. parents will be parents. they drive me crazy sometimes i swear. and i cant be bothered to explain to them stuff. and i cant explain also cos i will end up being rude and i dont want to cos i know i'll just end up in more trouble. sometimes i wish they'd understand - at least once in awhile, what the important things are to me.

or rather, that they'd understand me as who i really am.

sometimes.

23:30 - 25.01.06

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:D!

22:43 - 23.01.06

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why cant you be blue over me.

here are some pictures from awhile ago.

i present to you, a wowo!! which is a random word that i came up with while going home with nat. and then nat found what it was! (or at least, what we would like to think it was)

;

if i had my way
i'd never get over you.

22:33 - 23.01.06

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you give me fever.

went kboxing on friday night. wasn't planning to go from the start, but due to unforeseen cirucmstances, i ended up taking 74 all the way back home with bev and then taking 77 from my house all the way to town to meet the kbox people. i know it sounds really stupid, but oh well. was feeling not myself and in a sort of daze. i actually was pondering if i shd just take a really really long bus ride and not go anywhere in particular.

kboxing cheered me up though, kinda glad i went. a small room crammed full of wild boys and wild girls, about 14 of us eventually i think. i swear shaunchan was high on peanuts. and everyone else was high on idontknowwhat. AIR, maybe. haha. even though i know i couldve had more fun, the state of mind didnt allow me to, but i think it was enough to cheer me up quite a bit (: i conclude we shd go kboxing more often. (ALTHOUGH ITS A RIPOFF BEYOND WORDS) music heals the soul (:

nat called later that night and that cheered me up even more, cos its been the first time in THIS year that we've really talked properly. exfriend (: i missed our conversations actually, and i was beginning to feel that maybe something was changing, but after the phone call i knew it was all still there. haha. and i fell asleep on him for like 2 seconds. it was SUPER funny. hahahaahaha i'll never forget it. quite embarrassing but it was funny.

and then the problem was resolved. and i am thankful that it was. really.

;

i conclude that i'm not as nice a person as i think i am. i have problems with pride and i think im rather petty :O :O i think i shd go for some personality disorder test. it would be interesting. different incidents last year and this have taught me things abt myself though. and i guess it helps. u learn something new everyday! haha. i guess thats where u see if people really love you for who you are, with your inadequacies, mistakes, weaknesses, faults, cannotmakeits, and imperfections. i'm sorry for all of them though :( you always tend to think you're all good, but i've realised that altogether i'm actually quite unlovable sometimes. hmmm.

;

had ushering duty the whole of saturday. number2s. SHOES. FEET. DIE. rawr. not much, just that we stood for a really long time. oh and tong came! and from there we learnt interesting new things such as the startling resemblence of michael, tong and howard!!! :O :O :O :O NOT KIDDING. they look SO alike its unbeievable. michael + howard = tong. or something like that. mix and match. we tried to take a picture but thng was being difficult (as always). hahah then tong joined in the circleoftrust! you could tell he was HIGHLY amused by us. haha it was SO random but it was fun. yay!

later on that night went to gerrard's hse for the combined westeast cell bbq thingamajig. and ate 3 chickenwings and a stick of marshmellows and paid five bucks. rawr. we played weird games. and talked. and eventually ended up watching TV and discovered an extremely interesting program on channel 19: the world's sexiest commercials! HAHHAAH it was SO wrong though, so sarah changed the channel. hurhur.

highlight of the night was the ride home. gid, jonwee, ben and i took a ride from the beh brothers. haha so they played robbie williams greatest hits in the car. and the entire ride from east coast to town to the west, we were singing along to robbiewilliams. it got a bit out of control when jon sang the first line to betterman. ahhahahaahaha. but fun! i think uncle beh was amused :D

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gona start discussing this week with beh and debbie about STRUCTURE for church stuff. sigh. i want this to work.

16:09 - 22.01.06

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because a certain two people have been spamming the tagboard with POST-orientation storylines, i decided that i should just put them in a comprehensive manner. haha its super funny!(:

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In a breaking news story, ACJC student Joshua Hiew Ee Wen has been kidnapped by wanted terrorist M'Balz Es Hari. Eye-witness reports that M'Balz Es Hari had early spoken to his aides saying he was enraged after stealing famous quotes from the man himself including "BAA BAA AMARIKA". The alledged victim Joshua, was said by his friends to be quite a queer fellow often seen with another SUPER queer "Nat Subas". The 2 were apparently foiled in their attempt to shockingly jump into the Bonfire during the ACJC camp fire night wild singing the popular fag anthem "Wild Boys,Wild Boys" by fag band Duran Duran. The Band has strictly declined to comment any further on the issue however thanking the boys for the recent sparked intrest in their song after their publicity. Stay tuned for further updates.

;

and now for today's top bulletin. As mentioned before in a past related news story, ACJC student Nat Subas has been found in the Hollywood studio caravan of Duran Duran. It was said by eyewitnesses that he was snooping around the grounds chanting "WILD BOYS WILD BOYS". It is not known his true intentions for snooping around,but top analysts suggest a connection between Nat Subas, Duran Duran, the DEATH TO AMRIKA terrorist movement, and D Bala. Duran Duran have just been arrested in a follow-up investigation, and Singapore is now living in a cloud of fear and suspicion. Police have warned people to "stay away from Bonfires". Strangely enough, in a population of 4 million, only 6 queer other individuals are panic-free and calm. they call themselves the lossehelin heads, and speculate that all this was a plan by ramini gopal to achieve world domination.

;

SIGH. haha.

00:16 - 22.01.06

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